Scripture Readings:  Genesis 2: 18-25.   St. John 2: 1-11.  Ephesians 5: 20-33.  

The Wedding Service:  Making the Relation Sacred and Sanctifying (vs. mundane & harmful).  The Mysteries (Sacraments) ask and allow God to work more fully in our lives, to bring us “life in abundance”.

How to Tend your Marriage (most apply to ALL relationships)

Need to be INTENTIONAL.  If you do not, then you have lost control, and a crash is all but inevitable.  Intentional, but how?  Where is the instruction manual?

Warnings:  the following things are NOT good guides.
Others (i.e. “the world”)use these as guides.  They don’t work.  Just look at how sick relationships are in the world.  Do you want to be like them?  If so, it is easy.  If you want to be healthy, then you have to act accordingly.

1. •  Moods, emotions, feelings.  These include warm fuzzies, passion/lust, romantic feelings, apathy, resentment, dislike.  If you let your moods and emotions dictate your happiness and the health of your “shared flesh”, then you are bound to be miserable.  “Trust your feelings” may work for Jedi’s in fictional universes, but it spells “disaster” in the real world.
   
   

2. •  Autopilot. If you just  “go with the flow” you will end up going where the world is headed, and that is toward disfunction, extra-marital flirtations & affairs, divorce, and worse as you “grow apart” from your flesh.
   
   

3. •Secular Advice. Can be good, but usually grounded in fallen notions of “normal” rather than the perfection we are created to grow into.  Why settle for less than perfect in yourself and your relationships when they are available?  Feel Good talk shows and the like usually reinforce narcissism/selfishness.  Even sound secular psychology needs to be grounded in the Truth of Orthodoxy.
   
   

4. •You.  You cannot “go it alone” – I do not care how smart you are.  You lack the perspective.  This is true for you as an individual and for you as a couple.  You must be in a community.
   

A Marriage/Relationship Instruction Manual. 
Why do you need an instruction manual?  Because you want to be intentional.  You study to improve your career.  You study to make good  grades.  But you think that you should not have to study to have a wonderful relationship?  This is very arrogant and selfish.

1. •Ground your relationship in Christ.  He is the Way.  As you both grow towards Him, you will inevitably grow towards one another.  Your “little church” must be a part of the larger one.  This is how we nourish ourselves and our marriages.  (also see 1 Corinthians 7:14)
   

2. •You are a SERVANT to your spouse and your marriage (and to everyone!).  What makes for a good servant?  To know the one you serve (their desires, whims, moods, shortcomings).  To put their welfare and comfort above your own.  The servant LOVES his master.  (Corinthians 1: 4-7).  The Christian is martyred to those he serves.  The only way to understand true servitude and love is through Jesus Christ.  Note His example of strength and humility. 
   

3. ✦Study.  Study your spouse.  Study relationships.  Constant learning.
   

4. ✦All of your actions towards your spouse are those of a servant (I Corinthians 7: 4-5).
   

5. •Model Gratitude.  Be thankful.  Charity demands that you accept service not just as it was intended, but even as it should have been intended. 
   

6. •Order Your Life around Your Marriage. Avoid things that put it at risk. 
   

7. ✦Do not apply for jobs that would lead to separation.  Do not flirt with co-workers, especially ones you are attracted to.  Hang out with good role models.  Do not watch shows that teach immorality – and if you do, discuss them with each other/point out their contrary assumptions about love.  Porn is poison.  Worse, it is addictive to many (especially men).  It is adultery.  There is NO addiction that is healthy for a marriage. 
   

8. ✦Christ says that it is better to poke out your eye than to sin (St. Matthew 8:19).   God is telling you to avoid situations that will tempt you.
   

9. ✦The Disciplines of the Church are designed to lead you to perfection.  They will also help you be a better spouse/friend.  Fasting teaches self control and the avoidance of temptation.  Without self control, you are not fully human.
   

10. •Communicate.   Communicate.  Communicate.  Every day.  Over dinner.  Talk.  Listen.  Learn how to communicate (Again, Gray’s books are a BIG help).  Regular counseling/ check-ups are a good idea (just as they are for our bodies).  Does not mean “something is wrong”.
    

11. •Dating vs. Courting. Be selective. (should come first, but usually we lack intention from the get go).  Need to set yourself up for success.
    

Discussion:  What advice would you give to a newly married or engaged couple?

Suggested Readings: 

A Set of General Readings on Marriage:    http://interfaith.goarch.com

Ukrainian Orthodoxy:     http://www.unicorn.org/orthodoxy/sommaires/rituals.htm

Marriage as a Path to Holiness: Lives of Married Saints. by David and Mary Ford.

Attending to Your Marriage: A Resource for Christian Couples.  by Charles Joanides

Preserve them O Lord:  A Guide for Orthodox Couples in Developing Marital Unity. by Fr. John Mack

Marriage: An Orthodox Perspective.  Fr. John Meyendorff

On Marriage and Family Life.  St. John Chrysostom

Happiness is a Serious Problem. by Dennis Prager

Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding how Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress.  by  John Gray

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex. by John Gray